Category Archives: Fatherhood

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy, Work

The Path to Discipline

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“I’m here to train soldiers. Let me know when any get here?” (Attributed to Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben)

These are words that paraphrase the sense of humor of Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben when he entered the complex of Valley Forge in the winter of 1777 and found the Continental Army battered and demoralized. It did not resemble an army and the men had no likeness of being a soldier.

“I’m looking for Christians. Can you please tell me where I can find some?”

In our classrooms and churches, among the Body of Christ, where are those disciplined enough to take a stand against the enemy? I see more evidence of sympathizers of the enemy than soldiers of the cross. We are fraternizing with the wicked one and the evidence is in our tolerance, identification, and assimilation with the wickedness of the world. It is a symptom of a lack of training and being undisciplined.

To Baron von Steuben, training was of utmost importance. Training not only engages the enemy with confidence, it also instills confidence in those standing next to us in the ranks of many others who stand firm for the same cause.

In the wake of the battles of Brooklyn, the British taking Manhattan, and the surrender of Philadelphia, the Continental Army was reduced to a ragtag force of no cohesion and low morale. Along with these lows, dissertation was becoming more of a problem.

I happened to be fascinated by military history. The movement of ranks beginning with squad, to platoon, to company, to battalion, to brigade, to division, is a discipline of order.

In the Gulf War, my trucking company was one of only a few heavy transport companies that could carry loads of sizes up to and including the M1A1 Main Battle Tank (MBT). At the beginning of the conflict, Desert Shield, in January 1991, we were certain all troops were deployed along lines from which the coalition forces would launch an invasion into Iraq and Kuwait. Suddenly, orders came from VII Corps that the divisions that we delivered needed to be re-deployed. Everyone needed to flip-flop. All we knew is that it needed to happen NOW. Yes, we could question motives, but never strategy since we were not privileged to see the whole Theater of Operations. We did it and it became clear why it had to be done and the proof was in the victory.

Reflecting on the poem by Tennyson “The Charge of the Light Brigade,” and I paraphrase, “ours was not to reason why.” When it comes to deciding between morality and immorality, the Christian should have no other option but to flee immorality and impurity.

The Bible contains metaphors of athleticism (mostly from Paul) and the discipline needed for the individual to succeed in the ONE RACE. Note how I did not say TEAM. Physical discipline produces mental and psychological confidence. But a resolved acted on solely by our own strength will prove futile.

Rosie Ruiz. How many of you know her name? She crossed the finish of Boston Marathon as one of the fastest female runners of all time. It was discovered later that she never completed the race. She rode the subway until the very end of the race where she jumped out of the crowd and accepted the winning medal. After it was discovered that she cheated, the race committee tried to recover the medal but she never gave it up to her dying day. She never confessed to any wrongdoing. Her physique should have betrayed her, but despite that she entered the race without qualifying claiming she had brain cancer, so they gave her a medical exception. Her life was a lie. Here own efforts at success, brought her to defeat.

Personal ambition and conditioning in the spiritual realm is different. Spiritual self-discipline isn’t a pursuit that we simply force into habit; for if that were the case, there would be little need for the Holy Spirit in our lives. Physical habits work like that, like what we call “muscle memory.” Remember Galatians 5 then, self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

We wouldn’t have it without the Spirit as it is His gifting and work in us. This realization begs the question then: How do we become more self-disciplined in our spiritual lives?

Consider what Jeff Iorg puts forth in his book The Character of Leadership, “No fleshly effort will please God or build true discipline. Self-discipline refers to self as the object of discipline rather than its source. Even though discipline is learned, and self is the object of the discipline, the motivation and power to develop discipline comes from the Spirit.” It’s in the daily surrender, the daily opportunity, the daily service, as Paul frequently refers to being “slaves” for Christ.

In order to become self disciplined, we need to stop trying to take on the Spirit’s role as the source of life-changing power and rely on the strength He will faithfully work IN us. By allowing the exercise of the Holy Spirit in us, we will gain a faith and confidence in our training that is the fruit of obedience and this will equip us for future victories, and eliminate failures.

Paul told Timothy to be strengthened by the Grace of Jesus (2 Timothy 2:1). If our motivation isn’t coming from the Holy Spirit, then we will continue in vain and fail in the practice of self-discipline. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve tried to kick a bad habit. You try, and try, in vain, and in all your physical ability, you fail. I’ve been there. Remember what I said, we are the object of the discipline, the motivation and power to develop discipline comes from the Holy Spirit. We can not be conformed into the likeness we want. He is the Potter and we are the clay. Like the old song, “Have Thine Own Way” says, “mold me and make me, after Thy will, while I am waiting, yielded, and still.”

The great early American preacher, Jonathan Edwards, when he was only 19 years old, made this declaration of personal resolve, as recorded in his Diary on Saturday, January 12, 1723.

“In the morning. I have this day, solemnly renewed my baptismal covenant and self-dedication, which I renewed, when I was taken into the communion of the church. I have been before God, and have given myself, all that I am and have, to God; so that I am not, in any respect, my own. I can challenge no right in this understanding, this will, these affections, which are in me. Neither have I any right to this body, or any of its members: no right to this tongue, these hands, these feet; no right to these senses, these eyes, these ears, this smell, or this taste. I have given myself clear away, and have not retained anything, as my own. I gave myself to God, in my baptism, and I have been this morning to him, and told him, that I gave myself wholly to him. I have given every power to him, so that for the future, I’ll challenge no right in myself, in no respect whatever. I have expressly promised him, and I do now promise Almighty God, that by his grace, I will not.”

Our motivation will be of an eternal scope when we press into the Holy Spirit, and He will give us the strength to “run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1).

Fatherhood, Main, Mission, Strategy, Work

Habits of Holiness

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Habits of Holiness

Not a trite phrase to be written off as strictly cliché, but a very urgent sense of responsibility each of us should possess.

What is a habit? A habit can be good or bad. Habits can become so routine that we do them without thinking—both good and bad ones. Habits are a pattern of behavior acquired through repetition.

What do we do to make sure we have a good visit to the dentist’s office? Be in the habit of teeth brushing as part of our daily routine. How can we assure ourselves a better chance of overcoming temptations when they come before us? Be in the habit of reading God’s Word and following His commands.

Some of us have our favorite sports figures perhaps. We might have a person who to us is the pinnacle of success. Did you ever wonder how they got to be so successful? Through the habit of practicing or working many hours a day to be more proficient and more competitive. They developed a talent that sets them apart from others.

Habits are built into our lifestyle. We exit a room, we turn off the lights. We buckle up our seat belts upon entering a vehicle without even thinking about it.

I have had a multitude of occupations during my life. I have been a mechanic and a truck driver. I remember how as a driver, I trained so much that every time I got into a vehicle to drive it, a check list was automatically completed without giving it any thought. Whenever I was on call, I knew by reflex what needed needed to happen, what needed to be packed, and what each team member had to do.

Did you ever think about how much money is spent analyzing our buying habits? Our eating and drinking habits? Our personal hygiene habits? Our driving habits? Even our recreational and worship habits? It’s called “market analyzing.” People are paid to research buying habits. They look at packaging and merchandising and how things are sold. Some employers study work habits to improve your efficiency. I have heard that delivery companies count the steps of employees to determine if their movement can be more efficient and save less time handling packages.

When a company wants to move into a town to start a production business, it analyzes the population to determine the hiring pool, aptitude, demographics, and economy of the area to be sure there will be a good return on their investment. If there is no future for the company because of the area being a poor investment, the company not only misses out, but the future prosperity of the community loses out. So it is with any who have poor habits. Habits of poverty exists among people as displayed in their work and school productivity. Many settle for the least.

Now, Christian, don’t think the Devil isn’t into knowing our habits because he IS. He doesn’t want us to see our full potential, but rather maintain habits in keeping with laziness, greed, and pride. We haven’t been paying attention to our market strategy in distributing the Word of God. Can we “sell” others on the benefit of God’s salvation? In word or deed?

Now, let’s talk about TIME MANAGEMENT. How much time do we waste in the exercise of poor habits? What benefit could be gained by exercising good habits? What health benefits would be gained in exercising healthy habits, like getting to bed early enough to get 7-8 hours of sleep and waking up with enough time to be fully prepared for the opportunities of a new day? Wouldn’t that lower our anxiety? This change might take the elimination of trivial activities.

In my life, I’ve learned that changing habits involves substitute, sharpen, sustain, and success. It takes some time, but given that strategy, you’ll find success. Bad habits, like walking away from a mess you made on the floor. Substitute that by keeping things tidy to prevent accidents and things being lost. The sharpening of a new habit can make it efficient. Cleaning as you go saves from cleaning a bigger mess at the end of the week. The sustaining of a good habit ensures success by making the area safe and your items accounted for and cleaned.

I was thinking of something the other day and brought this up to my wife Julie. What if we focused more on the habits of success and less on the goals of success. In my own life, I’ve tried to set goals that time after time I failed to achieve. It’s hard to set a goal and make it SMART—specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timely. It’s hard to map out something like that with directions on finding the best way to the end. Finding the END usually involves overcoming the obstacles of your weaknesses. It is my feeling that if we build the habits FOR success, the obstacles preventing us from reaching our goals will be naturally eliminated.

A city in Kufa, Iraq, was the scene of mob violence for months. An observer was called in to analyze the pattern of behavior. After watching videos of each violent occurrence, he noticed a pattern. People would fill the square around a certain mosque and when the crowds began to swell, shwarma and kebab vendors would come, hoping to capitalize on the crowds by selling kebabs and shwarmas. By late afternoon, someone would enevitably throw a rock, or other item at police, and the angry mob turned violent.

The observer then made an odd request: going forward, don’t allow food vendors into the square. SO, the police decided to deny the protesters their food. Sure enough, the next day, crowds began to build in the square outside the mosque, loud protests against the police were heard, angry slogans rang out and soon the crowds were restless, AND hungry. Looking for food and finding no vendors who were selling it, the crowds dispersed. Just a change of habit.

So much of our lives is based on habits. We might find it in our habit to frequent the company of a particular group of friends. Among that group of friends we might find the temptation to be in the habit of doing something bad. Not all of our friends care about our best interests. It doesn’t mean that we are going to contribute to mob violence, but the consequences can be the same.

I remember a time in the city of Irbid, Jordan, when a group of men were running through the market area. It looked like something major was happening so I went out into the street to see what the all the commotion was. Pulling the young man towards me, I asked him to slow down, “Shway, shway.” And then I asked, “Shoo hartha, shoo hartha?” “Madha yahduth?” which means, what’s happening? The young man paused and thought for a second and said, “I don’t know. I saw everybody running and so I started running.” We can be pulled into a situation with little to no knowledge of what is going on by the habit of blind compliance.

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of the distractions that take me away from what is truly worth our time. I used to have some really bad habits. There was a time when first and last thing I did every day is smoke a cigarette. Presently, I’m trying to force myself from looking at my phone the first thing every morning and before bed because it is taking me away from time with my family and time with God. The Devil wants only to distract us from these important things. In fact, we sin when we are in the wrong place at weak time. Imagine if people we love who are on their phones or computers constantly would turn off the power of such devices and plug into us? It would be wonderful! Imagine what God would think if we were to unplug ourselves from the world to focus on His Word? That would be exceedingly wonderful!

1) Jesus was in the habit of prayer. We know this from the references in the Bible that says He was in the habit of prayer. From his youth to adult, he often retreated to a quiet place to pray.

2) Jesus was in the habit of being in the Lord’s house on the Lord’s day. Not much is known about Jesus as a young man, but the verses we do have in Scripture mention Jesus being in the Temple on the Sabbath (Luke chapter 2:42ff). Verse 49 says the Jesus had to be in His Father’s house. Later in Luke 4:16, while in Nazareth, Jesus was in the synagogue on the Sabbath, “as was His custom.”

3) He was in the habit of obedience. John 6:38 says that Jesus came from heaven not to do His own will, but the will of the Father’s. Looking again at Luke chapter 2, verse 51 it says Jesus was in the habit of being obedient to His parents. Of course that was right after his family had discovered he was left behind finding him in the Temple. Jesus further said, “If you love me you will keep my commandments.” We are not to follow the pattern, or habits, of the world.

4) Jesus was in the habit of loving others. Many times we are told that Jesus was moved with compassion. When little children visited Jesus, the disciples were of the habit of turning them away. When Martha was in the habit of hospitality, Jesus needed to commend Mary for doing something that wasn’t routinely done and was the feet of Jesus and dry them with her hair. Peter was in the habit of sitting at the head of the table and Paul gently corrected his behavior.

These simple habits of Jesus led to opportunity. Opportunity acted upon leads to God’s work being fulfilled. Isn’t that a fine goal to have without setting a goal, but having the habits that get you to the finish?

Try adopting this habit: when someone asked you to help them with something, be in the habit of saying, “Yes, I’d be happy to help you.” When considering going to church, it should be our habit to do so. And lets make prayer NOT a last resort or a reactive occurrence, but a frequent practice so that our minds might be focused always on the will of God in our lives and His sovereignty and grace. If we try these habits of holiness, our lives will conform more to the likeness of Christ. And THAT is our supreme goal and most honoring to God.

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy

Love Your Neighbor

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Sometimes it’s not easy to forgive ourselves. Fact is, it can be the hardest thing to do and be the greatest obstacle between a relationship with God and ourselves. The greatest commandments are: Love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself. We would not resign ourselves to hell for an offense of which we condemn ourselves would we? We would desire the grace of another to help us restore a right relationship. Likewise God will not resign to hell one who has the capacity to repent. How can we resign another to hell for an offense against us?

David committed a most heinous offense. He not only committed adultery, but also murder. Nathan had every right to condemn such a one worthy to be brought before trial as a capital offense according to the Law. Yet as a representative of God, God’s prophet Nahan allowed an opportunity for David to convict himself of his own sin—a sin before God—and in repentance produce the fruits of repentance. Psalm 51 stands out as one of the greatest psalms of all time that may not have existed if David were executed.

We are told to forgive others as many times as it takes (70 x 7), even if the offense is against God Himself. An offense against us is without question commanded to be forgiven (Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13). Jesus himself offered forgiveness from the cross. Paul says in Philippians 4:8 and 9, “As you have seen me do, do likewise.” He forgave many in the church and the synagogue who provided him reason to rejoice over the offenses and sufferings he endured for the sake of Christ.

Romans 13:8—“Be indebted to no one except to owe them our love. For he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.”

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage

More on Future Guilt

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More on the complexities of the fear of your future self. In life, sometimes we feel the need to fulfill our immediate desires at the cost of our future goals. Living for the moment means that we can not reconcile ourselves to our future identity, whether it be in a home that we purchase after planning and saving, or a retirement after sacrificing our monthly spending for a future return. There are also visible indicators of abandoning future self by the great amount of credit we have accumulated on cards that satisfy us for the moment and do not secure future wealth. Our lives are lived in the blatant admission that our future years will be worse than our past and that the best and the beautiful are behind us. There is a tendency to long for yesterday where there seemed to be more security in a life where cares were lighter and responsibilities were less. We feel that a future identity with a spouse will only amplify the present pain and all thoughts are lost of any greater future existing so we seek solace from friends whose affinity, like a drug, gives us the attention and satisfaction that we feel is missing in what we have interpreted as a doomed relationship. We blame ourselves for our past decisions and see no hope in recovering from the hurt it caused. We then deny ourselves the lesson of the teachable moment and instead of gaining wisdom in overcoming the obstacles, we compete with others for sympathy. The social capital we find significant in our lives comes more from a response to struggles than the victory in achievement. More than that, we’ve made the hurt into something of a demon that we are convinced will interrupt our future progress which will only result in future hurt. It is all part of the complexities of future guilt and skewed vision of our future self. Future guilt will lead some to greater sadness as the years advance and unredeemed time is lost. Feeling remorse for what selfishly had been squandered on what ultimately was pride, the guilt is real instead of imagined as it was in the past. The fruits of life in the moment can lead one to bear the bitterness of a broken home, a broken marriage, and a broken life. Sadly, the counsel of friends who support the hope of the invested future self is not heeded, leaving the true friend with a great sense unrequited love. Love, of course, is the attitude that seeks the other’s best interest and highest good; it thinks the best and does the best for the other. The moral of the story is to seek the counsel of others who love you. Find the value of investing in the future of your church, family, home, marriage, and children. See the value in past failures as a challenge to future victory, not a future guilt that is based on a failed past. If you are in a position to live the success that others would aspire to have, live it convincingly. There can be no greater ambition and no greater satisfaction than to live in accordance with biblical principles and godliness.

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy

Inspiration to Fathers: Old Romanian Folklore

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Inspiration for FATHERS. Consider the lesson of Făt-Frumos. He is a hero of Romanian folklore, who like the prince charming of popular fairy tales, is of a knightly disposition and noble character. He possesses such essential knightly attributes as courage, purity, justness, physical and spiritual strength, cleverness, passion, and unshakable love. Făt-Frumos is also wise in the practical application of multiple disciplines, giving him an almost god-like renown as a worker of miracles. He has abilities that are eclipsed only by his total commitment to honor and the keeping of his word. In some tales, he is so precocious as to be able react emotionally by showing compassion early in life. In fact, it is believed that he wept before he is born.
Famous to the legend of Făt-Frumos is the famous crossroad he encounters early in his life. At this crossroad, he is given the option to choose between two puzzling choices. When considering which to take, he is approached by an old woman who counsels him regarding which road he should take. Her counsel is as confusing as the roads themselves. She tells young Făt-Frumos to, “Take the road to the right where you will encounter hardship. If you take the road to the left, you will encounter hardship as well.” The beauty of this story is to understand that life will have hardship no matter which road you take. Don’t expect the easy road to be the better road. Roads are lessons to test and prove the worth of our faith. Rough roads, like streams, present us with a hope of a peaceful end. What would happen if honor, integrity, honesty, fortitude, courage, resolve, and strength was personified by a father? It would mean that when caught between two choices, any path that is fill with sorrow and hardship will be traversed with success if our character remains intact. Do our lives reveal the value we place in our faith–a faith in a Kingdom greater in value than a pearl of great price? We could be our children’s SUPERHERO!

Fatherhood, Main, Strategy, Work

Complexity of the Psychology of Future Guilt

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New thinking is developing regarding the Psychology of Your Future Self. It touches on the argument that I have made for the psychology of future guilt. There are some who display such a transciency that no prospects of a future are seen in their present plan of action. A friend who loves as if he/she is ready to pull out of life and move on in a moment’s notice, falls under what I feel is a false understanding of their future self. Expectations they feel do not apply to others, nor feel applies to themselves produce this transciency. It’s not necessarily “living for the day,” but more of a lack of vision based on such things as a past disappointment that anticipates a future disappointment. A tendency to limit our future expectations can come from failed expectations we have put on older, and once respected adults in our lives who have utterly dismantled what we perceived maturity to be, and what was ideally expected to be successful, virtuous, loving, flawless, and decent. This burden has crossed my mind that some of you may be at a point in your life when you are walking the fence when it comes to what you see in your future. You are at a crossroads in your life. You are thinking about the worthiness of continuing on as you have been and seeing a future with little hope, or a change with new aspirations with only faith to see it. It’s like, you can pull up your stakes and be gone at any time. It takes just as much faith and attention to concentrate on improving our present attitudes to improve our future lives with our current relationships. Actions and words can betray us often. We begin to focus on ourselves which causes the apprehension of separation to lessen when we interpret others as “holding us back.” “Liberation” is a rationalization for our actions. True guilt is most generally the result of succumbing to a misguided interpretation of our future self.

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy

Regarding an Abusive Relationship

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I recently came across an article which condemns churches accused of the practice of enabling abusive men by counseling couples against divorce. I agree that there could be a minority of churches who counsel in such a way and through fear coerce a spouse to remain with the abuser and continue in abuse, but I would say they are a minority. Counseling a person to stay in an abusive relationship is not the common practice, I assure you. Scripture is clear on the kind of love that should be encouraged as in the kind of sacrificial love Christ affords His bride, the church. Churches that are scriptural will esteem the counsel of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, to separate from such a one. Separation is not the problem, however. More couples should be afforded the counsel of separation in order that a path to reconciliation be allowed (1 Corinthians 7:11). Separation, therefore, is in fact biblical. Taking the words of Christ to heart, the problem lies in the adultery created when a divorced person re-marries another. Jesus says in Mark 10:11-12 (NASB)
11 And He *said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her;
12 and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.” No, we should not encourage abuse. We must encourage reconciliation by the right means. We must encourage pre-marital counseling and parenting in order that dating and courtship determines adequately the character of the potential spouse. We must encourage men to be enablers not of abuse, but of accountability as husbands and fathers who themselves give headship their Lord. The pattern of 1 Corinthians 10 is applicable. The beauty of a woman’s character brings honor to her husband. An honorable woman brings glory to not only her husband, but also to Christ. The husband is honored by the glory of his wife and Christ is honored by his display of being the image and glory of Christ. He that honors Christ as His image will cherish, protect, provide, and love his wife, to the point that he would lay down his life to save her. Her respect for him will come from his conviction of love for her. And this is scriptural, as in Ephesians 5. The one who created marriage between a man and woman has always had the best counsel for its preservation.

Fatherhood, Marriage, Strategy

Marriage Revisited

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People who are Christian and remarried carry with them the guilt of a broken vow. It grieves them to the point that the remorse they feel burdens them with a guilt that is born daily. It may not be based on a conviction of any doctrine or interpretation of Scripture, but on the reality of the severing of what was once “one flesh” with another. Countless times in Scripture, husbands are called to ‘rejoice in the wife of your youth.’ Husbands are admonished to not covet the wife of another nor anything of another’s possessions. Jewish and Christian husbands have even read of the hatred God has for the practice of divorce for the reasons of grave consequence to the raising of godly children and the preservation of the sanctity in marriage (Malachi 3).

The revelation of God’s faithfulness to His bride Israel, and later to His church is revealed as the kind of bond that is ever forgiving, ever loving, ever lasting, and ever faithful. Men like Hosea had to be faithful to the point of redeeming an unfaithful wife from prostitution and disavowment of her unity with him. The example of Christ is illustrated by the kind of love that gives up His life for the sake of His bride the church.

In the same way we, as husbands, know that our devotion must likewise be unto death for the sake of our wife (Ephesians 5:25-33). Further agreement comes from 1 Corinthians 7 where it confirms that God commands that husbands and wife remain together and if separated from one another, allow room for reconciliation; that only death can annul the marriage union. Having not fulfilled the full extent of your vow of love to the wife of your youth, love will be void when attempted in another whose knowledge intimately has been violated by the joining to the former. To “uncover the nakedness” of a man’s wife is to indeed uncover the nakedness of the husband, and this leaves the Christian man to be in conflict with his soul because it is not her nakedness but his that he has uncovered (Leviticus 18 and 20).

What can be done? It must obviously follow that reconciliation should occur. To spouses who are remarried, it would be difficult to separate and return to your first spouse. If the occasion presents itself, it MUST occur. If, however, it does not, then each offending person must live in repentance of adultery as with any sin. And, like any person in repentance, he or she must bear the testimony of a wrong choice relaying to others the adverse affects adultery has had.