Category Archives: Marriage

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy, Work

The Path to Discipline

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“I’m here to train soldiers. Let me know when any get here?” (Attributed to Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben)

These are words that paraphrase the sense of humor of Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben when he entered the complex of Valley Forge in the winter of 1777 and found the Continental Army battered and demoralized. It did not resemble an army and the men had no likeness of being a soldier.

“I’m looking for Christians. Can you please tell me where I can find some?”

In our classrooms and churches, among the Body of Christ, where are those disciplined enough to take a stand against the enemy? I see more evidence of sympathizers of the enemy than soldiers of the cross. We are fraternizing with the wicked one and the evidence is in our tolerance, identification, and assimilation with the wickedness of the world. It is a symptom of a lack of training and being undisciplined.

To Baron von Steuben, training was of utmost importance. Training not only engages the enemy with confidence, it also instills confidence in those standing next to us in the ranks of many others who stand firm for the same cause.

In the wake of the battles of Brooklyn, the British taking Manhattan, and the surrender of Philadelphia, the Continental Army was reduced to a ragtag force of no cohesion and low morale. Along with these lows, dissertation was becoming more of a problem.

I happened to be fascinated by military history. The movement of ranks beginning with squad, to platoon, to company, to battalion, to brigade, to division, is a discipline of order.

In the Gulf War, my trucking company was one of only a few heavy transport companies that could carry loads of sizes up to and including the M1A1 Main Battle Tank (MBT). At the beginning of the conflict, Desert Shield, in January 1991, we were certain all troops were deployed along lines from which the coalition forces would launch an invasion into Iraq and Kuwait. Suddenly, orders came from VII Corps that the divisions that we delivered needed to be re-deployed. Everyone needed to flip-flop. All we knew is that it needed to happen NOW. Yes, we could question motives, but never strategy since we were not privileged to see the whole Theater of Operations. We did it and it became clear why it had to be done and the proof was in the victory.

Reflecting on the poem by Tennyson “The Charge of the Light Brigade,” and I paraphrase, “ours was not to reason why.” When it comes to deciding between morality and immorality, the Christian should have no other option but to flee immorality and impurity.

The Bible contains metaphors of athleticism (mostly from Paul) and the discipline needed for the individual to succeed in the ONE RACE. Note how I did not say TEAM. Physical discipline produces mental and psychological confidence. But a resolved acted on solely by our own strength will prove futile.

Rosie Ruiz. How many of you know her name? She crossed the finish of Boston Marathon as one of the fastest female runners of all time. It was discovered later that she never completed the race. She rode the subway until the very end of the race where she jumped out of the crowd and accepted the winning medal. After it was discovered that she cheated, the race committee tried to recover the medal but she never gave it up to her dying day. She never confessed to any wrongdoing. Her physique should have betrayed her, but despite that she entered the race without qualifying claiming she had brain cancer, so they gave her a medical exception. Her life was a lie. Here own efforts at success, brought her to defeat.

Personal ambition and conditioning in the spiritual realm is different. Spiritual self-discipline isn’t a pursuit that we simply force into habit; for if that were the case, there would be little need for the Holy Spirit in our lives. Physical habits work like that, like what we call “muscle memory.” Remember Galatians 5 then, self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

We wouldn’t have it without the Spirit as it is His gifting and work in us. This realization begs the question then: How do we become more self-disciplined in our spiritual lives?

Consider what Jeff Iorg puts forth in his book The Character of Leadership, “No fleshly effort will please God or build true discipline. Self-discipline refers to self as the object of discipline rather than its source. Even though discipline is learned, and self is the object of the discipline, the motivation and power to develop discipline comes from the Spirit.” It’s in the daily surrender, the daily opportunity, the daily service, as Paul frequently refers to being “slaves” for Christ.

In order to become self disciplined, we need to stop trying to take on the Spirit’s role as the source of life-changing power and rely on the strength He will faithfully work IN us. By allowing the exercise of the Holy Spirit in us, we will gain a faith and confidence in our training that is the fruit of obedience and this will equip us for future victories, and eliminate failures.

Paul told Timothy to be strengthened by the Grace of Jesus (2 Timothy 2:1). If our motivation isn’t coming from the Holy Spirit, then we will continue in vain and fail in the practice of self-discipline. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve tried to kick a bad habit. You try, and try, in vain, and in all your physical ability, you fail. I’ve been there. Remember what I said, we are the object of the discipline, the motivation and power to develop discipline comes from the Holy Spirit. We can not be conformed into the likeness we want. He is the Potter and we are the clay. Like the old song, “Have Thine Own Way” says, “mold me and make me, after Thy will, while I am waiting, yielded, and still.”

The great early American preacher, Jonathan Edwards, when he was only 19 years old, made this declaration of personal resolve, as recorded in his Diary on Saturday, January 12, 1723.

“In the morning. I have this day, solemnly renewed my baptismal covenant and self-dedication, which I renewed, when I was taken into the communion of the church. I have been before God, and have given myself, all that I am and have, to God; so that I am not, in any respect, my own. I can challenge no right in this understanding, this will, these affections, which are in me. Neither have I any right to this body, or any of its members: no right to this tongue, these hands, these feet; no right to these senses, these eyes, these ears, this smell, or this taste. I have given myself clear away, and have not retained anything, as my own. I gave myself to God, in my baptism, and I have been this morning to him, and told him, that I gave myself wholly to him. I have given every power to him, so that for the future, I’ll challenge no right in myself, in no respect whatever. I have expressly promised him, and I do now promise Almighty God, that by his grace, I will not.”

Our motivation will be of an eternal scope when we press into the Holy Spirit, and He will give us the strength to “run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1).

Main, Marriage, Mission

Old Versus New

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Love letter from God- A vow unbroken

Once upon a time, God created the earth, around which He wrapped the universe as a blanket. On the earth He created a Garden in which He placed a companion, the Ish. He created the Ish from the earth and when God breathed life into his nostrils the spirit of life, he became a living soul and it was good—for a time.

It was soon discovered that the Ish himself needed a companion and from the Ish God formed Ishah, because she was taken OUT of the Ish– man AND woman. God considered what He had done and He and man were satisfied—for a time.

The separation began when both man and woman were tempted to break fellowship with the God Who gave them life and all good things. Under the temptation of a lesser creature, they began to esteem themselves more than their Creator and God knew that His love for them would be the only means to bring humankind back to Himself.

God tried to the uttermost to intercede as best He could. Things got so bad that man was only doing evil, continually. After finding only eight righteous who were saved through the water, God called down a great flood decimating the progeny of humanity and the wickedness that if allowed to remain would have kindled a wrath so great that the hope of men would have been utterly snuffed out.

It wasn’t too long after that, even after God left tokens of His esteem in the rainbow, in stones, and by His word, that humanity turned towards itself again. Assembling on the Plains of Babel, they erected a tower to proclaim their greatness. Men began to esteem themselves better than their Creator Who not only gave them life but preserved them through calamity.

The Creator went to greater lengths to secure a long life for man and to bless him. Man’s destruction would be certain if left to doing that which was right in his own eyes and he would have little chance to know the God who loves him. God attempted to prove Himself through the covenants of blood that were cut between Him and those who would agree to His terms. Yes, the consequences were grave, but the conditions not only represented the gravity of sin’s effects on man but also the capacity of God to love him.

Still, God’s love expanded to greater horizons as mankind began to esteem himself better than the one who gave him life by breathing into his nostrils the spirit of life. God in an almost last attempt would call a people unto himself; a people whom He loved, desiring only to be esteemed as their Creator and esteem themselves as His creation. His Word was sealed through miracles, blessings, and curses. God would be betrothed to His people, promising them that He would be faithful for life. He brought heroes, healers, prophets, and kings. To demonstrate His power, the Creator showed that He Himself was greater than any power on earth, any graven image, or any strength in men. Yet still, God’s betrothed was an unfaithful and adulterous bride. Man esteemed himself greater than the One who gave him life.

Any other husband whose wife played the harlot would have cast her off. Not God—He loved her. This kind of covenant could not last. The bride was making a mockery of the NAME her Husband gave her. To preserve His holy name and a remnant to carry it forward, He came to terms with the unthinkable. It was the only means a marriage could be dissolved. One party had to die. The blood of man was not worthy to satisfy such a significant role. It had to be God himself. The ritual of shedding the blood of animals ceased. Only the Word of God, Who created the heavens and the earth and all the dwell in them, could be the Testator to die and bring about a New Covenant in His blood (to be cont’d)

Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy, Work

The Past and the Danger of Relapse

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Relapsing suppressed memories is not a tactic that should be encouraged. Relapse brings with it bad connotations when it comes to any addiction. The mind naturally forms a barrier between that which was/is destructive and that which would promote its adaptation, health, and well being. By encouraging a resurgence of an experience that the mind has suppressed, it encourages what was once a bad experience into twice the worse experience. Who’s to say the original experience was interpreted correctly by our limited understanding or viewpoint. For instance, we may interpret our past by context of the present, we may not appreciate the context in which it was set. Today, it could be said that I lived in poverty and being poor when I was little has made me feel more entitled and accuse my parents of neglect. Depression and anxiety are the usual result of looking back at what we’ve plowed with regret and remorse.

When I travel in the Middle East, those who know me as a Christian can either judge me on my present disposition or judge me as a member of religious fanatics responsible for the Crusades. On the occasion someone finds out I am a Gulf War veteran, they can conclude that I am not a person who is anti-Muslim, or that I am a person whose past is removed from him and respectful of all Muslims and sympathetic toward their culture. I would expect anybody to judge me on what I am presently and not on the basis of anything in the past.

The past is best left out of the present and future. Grappling with it can lead to the greatest depression if not resolved properly. Those who meditate in the way of Eastern mysticism and believe in reincarnation MUST force themselves to try to rectify their past with their present condition for future benefit. It is a constant state of guilt, contrition, and agonizingly brutal debasement in their attempts to make them worthy of an elevated afterlife. Some Christians I know have so far removed themselves from the present by delving into their past, they feel they have to work through a strict system of laws to atone for the sins they feel has made them unworthy of salvation. On the other side, some Christians continue living in unrepentant sin, hurting others around them, feeling God will forgive, yet they are guilty of transgressions they will never resolve without the proper repentance. I know you know the kinds of people of whom I speak—they are hypocrites.

You see, plastering over our past is our mind’s best defense and shield that naturally occurs when we have been hurt. It is like a defensive wall where isolation from the effects of the trauma can be allowed to die. Taking the wall down is like opening up a window for light to come in and after being attended to our pain can resurface and what was dead can be allowed to grow. From there, the greater effects of the pain which is translated sometimes wrongfully into the present enters our lives and the lives of others and we feel worse.

The greatest result of counseling is to bring peace, yet most counselors bring conflict and isolation to the wrong areas of our lives separating us from where true peace can be found. True peace is found in forgiveness. It is found in acceptance. It is found in overcoming. The greatest threat to depression is to feel no regret for the past, be resolved with the present, and live the future as if it were present—meaning I live by the virtues of love. This is what we together have said about love. Love keeps no records of wrongs. It thinks the best, does the best, and has the best interest and high good in mind for the other. That way, in the future we have less of a chance of being condemned by guilt.

In the VA, there is no end to diagnoses of mental illness, most prevalent is PTSD. I have chosen to suppress the images that I retain in my mind as a result of what I witnessed during the Gulf War. I only consider that a vital and meaningful part of my life. It was a part of my life that to me was a different life. Some today live in the guilt of their past, mostly encouraged by others who recommend or set expectations that they “feel” a certain way and before long they believe it. The symptoms of depression are easily applied to them and through very little convincing evidence, a person can believe they are doomed to a condition from their past that they should have no business believing.

Why can’t we just cut off the past and after severing the root allow it to die? Well, it’s because we struggle with guilt and we struggle with unresolved accusations against us created by what we feel are from others and most damagingly—ourselves. Our character today—this day—should not be manipulated by the events of the past.

In the Bible, there is a parable about cleaning one’s house. It has to do with how we clean our minds and hearts. Sometimes when we clean out what we feel is unclean, we can open ourselves up to a worse fate. Temptation to sin acts the same way—it wipes away the guilt of our past by thinking a future act will be satisfying and in our fantasy overlook the pain of the past and open ourselves up to sin of a greater magnitude. The more we do that, the less we feel remorse and the less we feel remorse, the farther we are from true healing.

When the unclean spirit has gone out of a man, he roams through waterless places in search of rest; and finding none, he says, “I will return to my house which I left.” And when he has come to it, he finds the place swept and clean. Then he goes and takes seven other spirits more evil than himself, and they enter in and dwell there; and the last state of that man becomes worse that the first (Lk 11:24-25).

Care must be taken that we do not give an opportunity for greater damage to ourselves and others when a right end resulting in love, forgiveness, and peace are not the end game.

Another parable in the Bible has to do with a strong man guarding his house.

When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own house, his possessions are undisturbed. But when someone stronger than he attacks him and overpowers him, he takes away from him all his armor on which he had relied and distributes his plunder. (Luke 11:21, 22)

When the strong man’s armor is reduced, the affects of the stronger man to overtake him are greater.

I hope this makes a bit of sense. Your past is part of the canvas of your life’s portrait. Understanding how painting works, it is the darker background that brings out the brightness of a foreground and brighter your life will be by not mingling the dark with your brilliant radiance.

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy

Love Your Neighbor

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Sometimes it’s not easy to forgive ourselves. Fact is, it can be the hardest thing to do and be the greatest obstacle between a relationship with God and ourselves. The greatest commandments are: Love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself. We would not resign ourselves to hell for an offense of which we condemn ourselves would we? We would desire the grace of another to help us restore a right relationship. Likewise God will not resign to hell one who has the capacity to repent. How can we resign another to hell for an offense against us?

David committed a most heinous offense. He not only committed adultery, but also murder. Nathan had every right to condemn such a one worthy to be brought before trial as a capital offense according to the Law. Yet as a representative of God, God’s prophet Nahan allowed an opportunity for David to convict himself of his own sin—a sin before God—and in repentance produce the fruits of repentance. Psalm 51 stands out as one of the greatest psalms of all time that may not have existed if David were executed.

We are told to forgive others as many times as it takes (70 x 7), even if the offense is against God Himself. An offense against us is without question commanded to be forgiven (Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13). Jesus himself offered forgiveness from the cross. Paul says in Philippians 4:8 and 9, “As you have seen me do, do likewise.” He forgave many in the church and the synagogue who provided him reason to rejoice over the offenses and sufferings he endured for the sake of Christ.

Romans 13:8—“Be indebted to no one except to owe them our love. For he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.”

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage

More on Future Guilt

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More on the complexities of the fear of your future self. In life, sometimes we feel the need to fulfill our immediate desires at the cost of our future goals. Living for the moment means that we can not reconcile ourselves to our future identity, whether it be in a home that we purchase after planning and saving, or a retirement after sacrificing our monthly spending for a future return. There are also visible indicators of abandoning future self by the great amount of credit we have accumulated on cards that satisfy us for the moment and do not secure future wealth. Our lives are lived in the blatant admission that our future years will be worse than our past and that the best and the beautiful are behind us. There is a tendency to long for yesterday where there seemed to be more security in a life where cares were lighter and responsibilities were less. We feel that a future identity with a spouse will only amplify the present pain and all thoughts are lost of any greater future existing so we seek solace from friends whose affinity, like a drug, gives us the attention and satisfaction that we feel is missing in what we have interpreted as a doomed relationship. We blame ourselves for our past decisions and see no hope in recovering from the hurt it caused. We then deny ourselves the lesson of the teachable moment and instead of gaining wisdom in overcoming the obstacles, we compete with others for sympathy. The social capital we find significant in our lives comes more from a response to struggles than the victory in achievement. More than that, we’ve made the hurt into something of a demon that we are convinced will interrupt our future progress which will only result in future hurt. It is all part of the complexities of future guilt and skewed vision of our future self. Future guilt will lead some to greater sadness as the years advance and unredeemed time is lost. Feeling remorse for what selfishly had been squandered on what ultimately was pride, the guilt is real instead of imagined as it was in the past. The fruits of life in the moment can lead one to bear the bitterness of a broken home, a broken marriage, and a broken life. Sadly, the counsel of friends who support the hope of the invested future self is not heeded, leaving the true friend with a great sense unrequited love. Love, of course, is the attitude that seeks the other’s best interest and highest good; it thinks the best and does the best for the other. The moral of the story is to seek the counsel of others who love you. Find the value of investing in the future of your church, family, home, marriage, and children. See the value in past failures as a challenge to future victory, not a future guilt that is based on a failed past. If you are in a position to live the success that others would aspire to have, live it convincingly. There can be no greater ambition and no greater satisfaction than to live in accordance with biblical principles and godliness.

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy

Inspiration to Fathers: Old Romanian Folklore

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Inspiration for FATHERS. Consider the lesson of Făt-Frumos. He is a hero of Romanian folklore, who like the prince charming of popular fairy tales, is of a knightly disposition and noble character. He possesses such essential knightly attributes as courage, purity, justness, physical and spiritual strength, cleverness, passion, and unshakable love. Făt-Frumos is also wise in the practical application of multiple disciplines, giving him an almost god-like renown as a worker of miracles. He has abilities that are eclipsed only by his total commitment to honor and the keeping of his word. In some tales, he is so precocious as to be able react emotionally by showing compassion early in life. In fact, it is believed that he wept before he is born.
Famous to the legend of Făt-Frumos is the famous crossroad he encounters early in his life. At this crossroad, he is given the option to choose between two puzzling choices. When considering which to take, he is approached by an old woman who counsels him regarding which road he should take. Her counsel is as confusing as the roads themselves. She tells young Făt-Frumos to, “Take the road to the right where you will encounter hardship. If you take the road to the left, you will encounter hardship as well.” The beauty of this story is to understand that life will have hardship no matter which road you take. Don’t expect the easy road to be the better road. Roads are lessons to test and prove the worth of our faith. Rough roads, like streams, present us with a hope of a peaceful end. What would happen if honor, integrity, honesty, fortitude, courage, resolve, and strength was personified by a father? It would mean that when caught between two choices, any path that is fill with sorrow and hardship will be traversed with success if our character remains intact. Do our lives reveal the value we place in our faith–a faith in a Kingdom greater in value than a pearl of great price? We could be our children’s SUPERHERO!

Fatherhood, Main, Marriage, Mission, Strategy

Regarding an Abusive Relationship

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I recently came across an article which condemns churches accused of the practice of enabling abusive men by counseling couples against divorce. I agree that there could be a minority of churches who counsel in such a way and through fear coerce a spouse to remain with the abuser and continue in abuse, but I would say they are a minority. Counseling a person to stay in an abusive relationship is not the common practice, I assure you. Scripture is clear on the kind of love that should be encouraged as in the kind of sacrificial love Christ affords His bride, the church. Churches that are scriptural will esteem the counsel of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, to separate from such a one. Separation is not the problem, however. More couples should be afforded the counsel of separation in order that a path to reconciliation be allowed (1 Corinthians 7:11). Separation, therefore, is in fact biblical. Taking the words of Christ to heart, the problem lies in the adultery created when a divorced person re-marries another. Jesus says in Mark 10:11-12 (NASB)
11 And He *said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her;
12 and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.” No, we should not encourage abuse. We must encourage reconciliation by the right means. We must encourage pre-marital counseling and parenting in order that dating and courtship determines adequately the character of the potential spouse. We must encourage men to be enablers not of abuse, but of accountability as husbands and fathers who themselves give headship their Lord. The pattern of 1 Corinthians 10 is applicable. The beauty of a woman’s character brings honor to her husband. An honorable woman brings glory to not only her husband, but also to Christ. The husband is honored by the glory of his wife and Christ is honored by his display of being the image and glory of Christ. He that honors Christ as His image will cherish, protect, provide, and love his wife, to the point that he would lay down his life to save her. Her respect for him will come from his conviction of love for her. And this is scriptural, as in Ephesians 5. The one who created marriage between a man and woman has always had the best counsel for its preservation.

Fatherhood, Marriage, Strategy

Marriage Revisited

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People who are Christian and remarried carry with them the guilt of a broken vow. It grieves them to the point that the remorse they feel burdens them with a guilt that is born daily. It may not be based on a conviction of any doctrine or interpretation of Scripture, but on the reality of the severing of what was once “one flesh” with another. Countless times in Scripture, husbands are called to ‘rejoice in the wife of your youth.’ Husbands are admonished to not covet the wife of another nor anything of another’s possessions. Jewish and Christian husbands have even read of the hatred God has for the practice of divorce for the reasons of grave consequence to the raising of godly children and the preservation of the sanctity in marriage (Malachi 3).

The revelation of God’s faithfulness to His bride Israel, and later to His church is revealed as the kind of bond that is ever forgiving, ever loving, ever lasting, and ever faithful. Men like Hosea had to be faithful to the point of redeeming an unfaithful wife from prostitution and disavowment of her unity with him. The example of Christ is illustrated by the kind of love that gives up His life for the sake of His bride the church.

In the same way we, as husbands, know that our devotion must likewise be unto death for the sake of our wife (Ephesians 5:25-33). Further agreement comes from 1 Corinthians 7 where it confirms that God commands that husbands and wife remain together and if separated from one another, allow room for reconciliation; that only death can annul the marriage union. Having not fulfilled the full extent of your vow of love to the wife of your youth, love will be void when attempted in another whose knowledge intimately has been violated by the joining to the former. To “uncover the nakedness” of a man’s wife is to indeed uncover the nakedness of the husband, and this leaves the Christian man to be in conflict with his soul because it is not her nakedness but his that he has uncovered (Leviticus 18 and 20).

What can be done? It must obviously follow that reconciliation should occur. To spouses who are remarried, it would be difficult to separate and return to your first spouse. If the occasion presents itself, it MUST occur. If, however, it does not, then each offending person must live in repentance of adultery as with any sin. And, like any person in repentance, he or she must bear the testimony of a wrong choice relaying to others the adverse affects adultery has had.

Main, Marriage

A. Barrister’s Classic Discussion on Divorce

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It takes him until page 23 to reach the point at which he is trying to get. It is sad that today we are not as immersed in the study of classics as our predecessors. Barrister convincingly argues the case for the parenthetical use of the so-called “exception clause” in Matthew as no exception at all, except to understand that the case of adultery is understood as being treated separately and remarriage after divorce would place the guilty party under the penalty of the established law. Have fun.

Barrister’s “Considerations on Divorce”